We can't go on like this
by oldmule
Summary: Harry and Ruth decide things have to change. Usual mix of angst, fluff and hopefully the odd smile.
1. Chapter 1

**Set around 9.3ish, post proposal when they're bickering and Harry's angry.**

**Disclaimers on characters and made up names.**

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**_Week 1 _**

**_Tuesday am_**

"We can't go on like this, Harry. We have to work together."

"We are working together, Ruth, this is what it looks like."

"Then we need to find another way."

"You're right, we do."

Stalemate.

"So..." he said.

"So…" she replied.

"So, you won't go behind my back to the Home Secretary again?"

She glared at him "Not that I did in the first place, but no."

"Good." He said.

"And you'll stop shutting me out and punishing me for saying no to you?"

"Not that I was, but yes, Ruth, I will stop punishing you, in fact I'll finally take the hint. No is no. End of story."

He walked back to the office with a finality that left her feeling a considerable and rather unpleasant chill.

**_Tuesday pm_**

Harry went home early. He went home early for the rest of the week. And on Friday he had a day off.

**_Friday am_**

"Is Harry alright, Ruth?"

"Tariq, why on earth would I know?"

"Well, because you and…" he decided he didn't know quite how to finish the sentence, nor did he think it was such a good idea.

She ignored him and carried on with her work.

Dimitri sidled over to Beth, "What's going on with Ruth and Harry?"

"Don't know," she whispered, "They're talking and it's all ridiculously civil and polite, but something's changed."

"And he keeps going home early," he paused. "Maybe he's got somebody else on the go."

Beth's face was expressionless but her eyes darted behind him.

"The information you wanted, Beth," said Ruth, handing over a disk.

Dimitri turned and smiled sheepishly at her.

Ruth walked away.

Beth looked at him and shook her head, "Idiot."

**_Week 2_**

**_Monday am_**

Harry walked onto the Grid. He was whistling.

"Morning," he called and went to his office.

There was more than one sideways glance across the Grid.

**_Monday pm_**

"Ruth, Hrithik Khan, would you have a look into his file and tell me what you find."

"Are you looking for anything in particular?"

"He's just entered the country, Six have been using him but I've had reports he may be involved in as assassination attempt."

She raised her eyebrows curiously.

"Member of the Cabinet," he said knowing her question.

"I'll get straight on it." She turned to the door.

"Did you have a good weekend?" she asked before leaving.

"Yes, thank you, very good." He smiled and there was something in the way he said it that she didn't like.

"That's good," she said weakly and was about to close the door behind her when he stopped her.

"Ruth, tomorrow's fine." She looked confused. "For the file. I have to get off early today."

She nodded.

**_Tuesday am_**

"I've got my report on Khan for you," said Ruth and walked over to him as he sat at his desk.

"Thanks, Ruth, would you just leave it there." He was engrossed with his email.

She put it down, distracted. He was wearing a tie she'd not seen before and he smelt particularly good.

"Is there anything else, Ruth?" he didn't look up.

"No….no," she said and as she turned to leave she saw the single long blonde hair that lay across the shoulder of his jacket.

**_Tuesday midday_**

Ruth sat by the river. She was trying to analyse how she felt. Largely, she was failing because all she could hear were his words.

"_I'll finally take the hint. No is no. End of story."_

**_Tuesday pm_**

Harry was talking to Beth as Ruth walked back on to the grid, she smiled at him and he managed a half smile in exchange. She heard him tell Beth that he was going to a meeting at Whitehall, his mobile rang, Beth returned to her desk as he headed out. "Hi, how are you?" she heard him say his voice was low and silky, "Tomorrow, I'd love to," he smiled, "I'd love to do that as well….. what yours, or should we…" the doors closed and he was gone, she heard no more.

**_Tuesday evening_**

"Ruth, glass of red?" Beth asked.

"Why not. Make it a large one."

"It's like that is it?"

"Yes, it's like that."

Ruth said no more but took a long appreciative drink of wine.

Beth said nothing, waiting and hoping that Ruth might open up to her.

She should have known better. Ruth said nothing.

"Harry's seemed a bit less snappy lately." Beth prompted eventually.

"Yes, he has."

"Maybe he was just tired."

"Maybe."

"Do you know something Ruth?"

She hesitated and again Beth waited.

"I think he's more cheerful because he's…..seeing someone."

"What, a woman?"

"Well, I don't think Dimitri's quite his type, do you?"

"So that's why he smells so good and keeps heading off early is it?" Beth pondered.

Ruth said nothing.

"How do you feel, Ruth?"

This time Ruth answered too quickly.

"I'm happy for him."

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**Guess there'll have to be more or I'll get strung up for making them miserable!**


	2. Chapter 2

_**Wednesday early evening**_

Harry had only just got back from a JIC meeting, it was late and he was obviously in a hurry. He signed the authorisations waiting for him and then, checking his watch, he drew the blinds in his office. Ruth watched.

Five minutes later he emerged, changed into a casual, open necked pale pink shirt and a beige jacket, he made straight for the door. Ruth was passing, not entirely by accident.

"You look nice," she said.

"Nice? I was aiming for sexy."

"You look that too," she dared as the pod doors slid shut. She wasn't sure whether he'd heard, or not.

_**Wednesday night**_

Ruth sat at home. She wondered what Harry was doing and who he was doing it with. She knew it should have been her.

_**Thursday am**_

Ruth was the first in the office. It wasn't unusual. She was making a cup of tea when she heard the pod doors open, she glanced out. He hadn't seen her, but she saw him. If he was aiming for sexy, what he'd actually achieved was sexy and dishevelled. He went into his office, no doubt to change out of last night's clothes.

Ruth wished she had not been in quite so early this morning.

About an hour later they were all in the briefing room. Harry's phone rang, he glanced at the number and quickly answered. "Hi, how are you? What? Say again. The signal's really bad….. Yes, no problem. Take care, darling." The eyes in the room tried not to look at Ruth as he finished the conversation. "Sorry," said Harry "my daughter, Catherine,"

Ruth felt relief and understanding wash over her like a wave.

"She's in Sudan, been trying to get hold of her for three weeks now. Terrible line. So where were we?"

The tide went back out and the relief ebbed away with it.

Thirty minutes later and Ruth was looking at her screen which confirmed that Catherine was indeed in Sudan and had been for some considerable time.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Thursday pm**_

She was getting on with the mountain of work she had when Harry came over to look at something she had found. He leant over the back of her chair to study the bank transaction details that Ruth had dug up for Hrithik Khan. She felt even more aware of him than she usually did. She could feel his breath in her hair. It was hard to concentrate.

She explained the disparities of the separate accounts, he yawned.

"Sorry, Harry, am I boring you," she said playfully.

"Never Ruth." His low voice filled her with hope. Hope and desire. Desire and lust.

"Forgive me, though, I had a bit of a late night."

She didn't mention his clearly not having been home last night. He yawned again.

She couldn't stop herself.

"I hope it was worth it."

"Oh, it was, Ruth, it was. You should try it sometime."

She looked back at him and the tears pricked her eyes. She'd once called him heartless and now she began to believe it.

"Is there something wrong?" he asked, seemingly blissfully unaware of the pain he was causing her.

"No, why would there be anything wrong."

"You just seem a little…."

"A little what, Harry?

"On edge."

"On edge," she repeated.

"Yes," he said.

" 'I should try it sometime'," she repeated. "I do not need you to start offering me advice about my social life, thank you, Harry."

"But, Ruth, isn't it time you tried to get out and...live a little."

She just looked at him.

"I can recommend it, it's quite liberating, like being free of the shackles."

"What are you saying, Harry?" She had a horrible feeling that she was the 'shackles' he was referring to.

"I'm not saying anything other than there's a world of people out there Ruth, and if one of them doesn't want you then plenty more will."

And with that he returned to his office, checking his phone as he went.

Ruth wanted to cry. What had happened to _her_ Harry, the one who was always there, ever loyal, ever loving, the one who had proposed only a few weeks ago.

She had finally broken him. She had pushed him away once too often and he was out there learning 'to live a little'. She went to the Ladies, locked herself in a cubicle and cried.

**Have faith!**


	4. Chapter 4

_**Friday am**_

Ruth had managed to avoid Harry for most of the day. It felt easier that way.

The only other thing she had to cope with was the team's constant speculation over his love life. They tried to do it quietly, away from her, but how could she fail to miss it. She thought about how she had feared this kind of gossip all those years ago and couldn't help wishing they were gossiping about her now.

"Ruth!" Harry shouted across the grid.

"What is it, Harry?" she said as she walked into his office.

"I need you on this, give it priority." He handed her a ream of paperwork.

"Is that all?" she asked. The urgency of his call had made her think there was something more.

"Yes, I think so."

"Okay," she said but hesitated.

"Is there, something more, Ruth?"

"There'll always be something more, Harry." She had said it almost before she thought it and then it was out.

He looked at her intently and finally said,

"That's the thing, though, isn't it? It's the 'more'.

'We could never be more together than we are right now.'

But we could have been, Ruth. We really could have been so much more, you and I. Wouldn't you say?"

She gazed at him.

"We could have been something special, Ruth. I'm only sorry you didn't think so."

"Harry."

"Yes."

"I….I better get on with this." She left. In her head she was fastened to 'could have been', not can be, not could be again, just could have been.

Harry picked up the phone.

"Hi, it's Harry. I need to see you. Can you meet me."


	5. Chapter 5

_**Friday early pm**_

She rubbed her eyes, she couldn't focus, couldn't concentrate.

"Coffee run. Anyone want one?" Beth called.

"I'll go," said Ruth and as Beth protested she added, "Please, I could do with some fresh air."

"Okay, actually it's freezing out there so rather you than me."

Ruth took the order and the kitty and left the building. She was by the embankment walking towards the coffee shop when she caught sight of him. He was sitting on what she would always think of as their bench. She half smiled and wondered if he had hoped she would find him here. She deliberated for a moment whether to go straight over to him or take him a coffee, Beth was right it was freezing. She was still pondering the best course of action when she saw a rather beautiful woman, of about her own age walk over to the bench and sit down next to Harry. He did not react and they both looked out over the river. Ruth had forgotten about the coffee. Something was said and suddenly the two of them turned to each other smiling. Harry tucked a stray blonde curl behind her ear and smiled, what Ruth could only describe as a seductive smile. The woman was looking intently at him, drinking in his face and that smile. He leant forward and whispered something in her ear and she laughed. She looked more beautiful, more elegant when she laughed. He stroked her gloved hand and looked happy.

Ruth turned away.

"Where's the coffee?"

"The what?"

"Coffee. Coffee run. Usually you come back with coffee when you do the coffee run. Clue's in the title." Dimitri needed a caffeine fix.

"Sorry," she handed him the money "you'll have to go."

Beth mouthed at him to shut up before he could say anything else. Out he went.

"Ruth, are you alright?"

"No, no Beth. I'm very far from alright."


	6. Chapter 6

_**Friday pm**_

"Please tell me what's wrong?" pleaded Beth.

"Nothing, ignore me."

Ruth was closing down. Eyes down, barriers up.

"I'm fine, Beth, just being silly."

End of conversation, thought Beth.

Ten minutes later Dimitri walked back on to the grid.

"Coffee?" said Beth.

He looked at her, distracted.

"Coffee. Coffee run. Remember? I should have just gone myself."

Dimitri stood.

Tariq, walked in, "Where's the coffee?"

"Good question," said Beth, "there seems to a coffee coloured black hole in central London."

"I've just seen Harry with a gorgeous blond, sat down by the river deep in conversation. Looked like he was pouring his heart out." Dimitri had finally spoken.

Beth glanced to Ruth. You're not being silly at all, Ruth, she thought.

"How gorgeous?" asked Tariq.

"Hot."

"Eight out of ten, hot?"

"A nine, hot." Dimitri murmered, appreciatively.

Beth glared at them both. They felt her icy stare and looked up realising what she was silently gesturing to. Ruth. Head down at her monitor, clearly trying to rise above the mounting upset she felt.

Dimitri smiled apologetically, "I'll put the kettle on."

"I'll help," said Tariq and they both disappeared.

By the Embankment Harry stood, "Thanks for coming and thanks for listening."

"My pleasure," She rested her hand on his arm.

"I better get back, see if all hell's about to break loose."

"Harry, are you sure this is the right thing?"

"I hope so."

"I hope so too. It just seems a little extreme."

"I've tried everything else and I've got nothing left to lose but everything to gain."

"Good luck, then" She kissed him on the cheek and watched as he turned and walked back to Thames House.


	7. Chapter 7

_**Friday pm**_

Harry walked onto the grid, several pairs of eyes followed him, he was only interested in one pair and they stayed hidden.

He sat in his office and he hoped and he waited and he willed her to have the courage.

_**Friday evening**_

Harry wasn't going home early this evening. In fact no one seemed very eager to get off early tonight. It was almost like they were expecting something.

Ruth sat working, she'd done the same search five times, she couldn't actually call this working if she thought about it. She couldn't even really think about it, she could only think about their bench.

Someone else on their bench.

Come on Ruth, thought Harry. I can't push you any further, it's down to you now.

He hadn't wasted any time, she thought. He'd filled the space that had been hers as soon as he could and her replacement was more beautiful, more elegant, she was simply more than Ruth ever would be. There we were back to that word again, she thought.

More.

He has more now.

That's all he ever wanted. More.

More of me.

More of us.

More.

Ruth stood and walked slowly towards Harry's office. They all watched and hoped. Harry hoped more.

"Harry?"

"Yes, Ruth."

"I need to talk to you."

"Go ahead."

"You said we could have been something….special"

"Did I?'

"Yes, Harry, you did."

"And?'

"You wanted more."

"Yes."

"You've found more now haven't you" she hesitated, "with her?"

He didn't answer.

"Harry?"

"If that's what you think, Ruth."

"You've only known her five minutes."

"Have I?"

She paused. She was confused and hurt and she was losing her train of thought.

"What are you trying to say to me, Ruth?"

"_I _want more.

I want _more_, Harry."

He tried not to hold his breath.

"Are you saying you want to meet someone new, Ruth?"

"No. No I want something more….with you."

"But what shall I say to Laura?"

"Is that her name?"

He nodded and hoped.

"Say to her that there's a woman who you should have told years ago that you loved, but that she wouldn't let you. That she wanted to leave it unsaid, when she should have let you shout it to the world. Tell her that this other woman doesn't deserve a second chance but that you'd like to give her the opportunity to be happy because even though she's stupid and full of fears she loves you more than you'll ever know and more than she'll ever be able to tell you, such are _her_ limitations. Tell her that you want more from me and I want more from you."

She finally stopped talking.

"I think you should tell her yourself, Ruth."

She looked nervously at him.

"When you meet her, I promised her you would, if this worked."

He watched the realisation dawn on her face, he watched the worry fade and he watched his hole punch come flying towards him.

"You….bastard...….thing!

He got up and grabbed her arms before she threw anything else at him.

"Ruth. I love you. I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do to make you see, make you see what I knew with all my heart, that we can be something truly special."

He decided to kiss her before she could say anything stupid.

THE END


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